Thursday, December 30, 2010

Kimbo Slice's Motion Lotion!

So, recently I was asked to give a writing sample to a coworker of my girlfriend. It's always a bit of a problem when people ask for writing samples, because I'm presented with the option of either showing them something old that doesn't necessarily reflect my current writing prowess (or lack thereof) or showing them something new and in development, something that's under wraps.

This time I opted just to write something brand new. What I'm posting here is the writing sample, because I think it's funny. You need to know two things before reading it.

The first is that lotion is a skin care product.

The second is that Kimbo Slice is a 15 minutes-of-fame street fighter turned UFC pro. Or something.


Here's the guy:


I'm thinking of doing more celebrity endorsement commercials as a writing warm-up. Let me know what you think.


Kimbo!
Issue #1

PAGE ONE: (four panels)

Panel 1. Kimbo Slice talks to the camera. He’s probably in a typical gym commercial setting with an American Flag in the background.

1 KIMBO:
Hello, America! My name is Kimbo Slice.


Panel 2. A back alley. Kimbo Slice is beating up a homeless guy, really throwing a devastating punch.

2 CAPTION (KIMBO):
“If you’re anything like me, after a long day of bustin’ up homeless fools…”


Panel 3. The homeless guy lays unconscious in the filthy alley while Kimbo rubs his knuckles tenderly.

3 CAPTION (KIMBO):
“…your knuckles can get cracked and dry.”


Panel 4. Back to the commercial gym setting. Kimbo is holding up a tube of Motion Lotion to the camera. That’s the product we’re selling.

4 KIMBO:
That’s why I use Motion Lotion!

5 KIMBO:
It’s the lotion you use for when you’re in motion!




PAGE TWO: (five panels)

Panel 1. Tight shot, Kimbo squeezes the tube, squirting lotion onto one of his hands.

1 KIMBO:
Just squeeze…


Panel 2. Tight shot, Kimbo’s hands rub together, massaging the lotion into his skin.

2 KIMBO:
…apply…


Panel 3. Back alley. Kimbo kicks the homeless guy while he’s down.

3 CAPTION (KIMBO):
“…and then get back to whatever the hell it is you do all day.”


Panel 4. Back in the gym, Kimbo is holding up the lotion to the camera again, making a desperate attempt to sell the product.

4 KIMBO:
Remember, Motion Lotion!


Panel 5. Gym setting, but it’s obvious some time has passed. It’s darker, and Kimbo is sitting on a workout bench, exhausted and sad.

5 KIMBO:
Because it hurts to be irrelevant.

Friday, June 4, 2010

HEY ROBERT

Is there any better way to get the writing juices flowing than by writing a blog? No, I didn’t think so.


So, today a video surfaced of RDJ (that’s Robert Downey Jr.) walking around a comic shop and picking out some books. However, the video opened with RDJ being bombarded (I exaggerate) by fans after exiting the shop. Some wanted their picture taken with him, others (the cameraman) wanted to know what he bought. After taking two pictures, RDJ left, leaving the cameraman’s questions… unanswered! At this point, having his heart broken, the cameraman edits in his earlier footage of RDJ just walking around the shop. The footage, of course, was taken by spying on him through the shops fucking glass windows.


I’m not going to link the video, because quite frankly, I don’t want to promote it, so let me try to paraphrase the cameraman’s asking technique:


HEY ROBERT! ROBERT! WHAT’D YOU BUY IN THERE MAN?! HEY ROBERT WHAT’D YOU BUY IN THERE?! DID YOU BUY THE AVENGERS?! HEY ROBERT! ROBERT!


It’s hard for me to articulate just how disgusting this behavior is to me. It’s one thing to go up to the man and thank him for his work, it’s another to video tape him through a window and then obnoxiously yell at him. The former is how you might interact with a person. The latter is something a child (and stupid adults) would do at a zoo.


I understand why this is, of course. We live in a society where the entertainer has risen to the rank of "celebrity." The celebrity foregoes basic things like privacy, because the celebrity is a 24/7 entertainer. Indeed, their very lives are the entertainment that drives the multi-million/billion dollar industry of voyeurism. So, when Joe Simpleton sees RDJ at the comic shop, he's preconditioned to think the man is there to be his dancing monkey. Or sign his Iron Man underwear.


My point in all of this? Fuck voyeurism, fuck celebrities, fuck the internet, and buy my comics.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

New Art, sorry S.W.O.R.D. fans

So I recently got a preview page from my story No Hope No Cure in from Cynthia Lorenzon. I have to say, the kid looks pretty much like I did in high school. Should be published via Incubator Press soon.








Also it comes to my attention that S.W.O.R.D has indeed been canceled. Sorry everyone, I totally jinxed that shit.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Wait... what?

Couple of new anthologies semi soon.

And I think blogs twitter update is broken... or something.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Hey bro I heard you like cool stuff, well here is some cool stuff for you, bro.

First of all, my compatriot and fellow comic lab technician, Ejay Russell, has relaunched his website. Check it out if you're interested in seeing the art of a future member of the Rock 'N Roll Hall of Fame. Also, bonus points if you can find the easter egg he has on the site. Hint: there is no easter egg.

Second of all, I just got done reading Marvel's S.W.O.R.D. for the second time, and I have to say, it may end up being one of my favorite new series. It almost struck me like Marvel's Firefly. I sincerely hope it doesn't end up getting canceled... like Firefly... ah, damn.


Read it ^

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Also, There is Blog...

Well, what can I say? Been super busy with life shit lately. We had to move, I got sick, I had to go to the ER, my girlfriend got sick, and we bought a new couch that turns into a bed so that if she ever gets mad enough, she can make me sleep in the other room. Oh, and now we have another room. I’ve co-opted it into my “office.”

Aside from that, I’m finishing up a couple projects, and I’m very excited to start seeing some art to go with it. I suppose I could blog more, but if I’m not promoting something, I really don’t like to. It would boil down to “I wrote today” or “I didn’t write today… but I played Left 4 Dead.” You would think a writer wouldn’t want to stop blogging about himself. Maybe I just need to be more narcissistic.

I mean, I know I’m fucking awesome, but I could remind you all more often.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Obligatory Disney/Marvel Blog

So, it should come as no surprise by now that Disney has/is going to acquire Marvel. I doubt I have anything new to report that hasn't been said elsewhere, or even an opinion that hasn't already been voiced. It's just a strange feeling... there's so many positive and negative aspects to the whole thing. On one hand, I don't want to ever support the machine that manufactures something like Hannah Montana. One the other, maybe with all the extra money floating around, we'll finally get a Cloak and Dagger series.

As much as I want to hate it, it could be great for the industry. Imagine if the Disney Channel (*sigh*) advertised which comics were coming out each week? Or ran region specific ads about which shops you could buy them from locally? That's something that could easily boost sales.

The only thing that could stand in the way of Disney/Marvel?

This:















Expect Spider-Mickey toys in your happy meal soon.